The Guilt of Saying No: How I Overcame People-Pleasing and Found Freedom
When you say yes to others, make sure you aren’t saying no to yourself.
— Paulo Coehlo
For much of my life, I was trapped in a cycle of people-pleasing—constantly putting others’ needs ahead of my own, fearing conflict and confrontation, and seeking validation through saying yes. This relentless pursuit of approval led to mental and emotional exhaustion and a diminished sense of self-worth. Recognising that this pattern was unsustainable, I embarked on a journey to reclaim my well-being and establish healthy boundaries.
Understanding the Roots of People-Pleasing
My need to gain approval was deeply rooted in early childhood experiences. As Attachment Theory suggests, our early relationships with caregivers play a pivotal role in shaping how we form connections as adults. I learned early on that being “good” and agreeable earned me love and validation. Over time, this lesson became so ingrained that I found it nearly impossible to say “no,” even when I was overwhelmed.
Recognising this pattern was a crucial turning point. I realised that my self-worth was not measured by how much I could do for others, and that continually sacrificing my needs was neither healthy nor sustainable.
The Turning Point: Realising the Cost
Over time, suppressing my own needs eventually led to burnout and deep resentment. I eventually saw that always saying “yes” not only depleted my energy but also inadvertently signalled to others that my time and energy were undervalued. This epiphany underscored the importance of setting boundaries—not only for my mental health but also to foster genuine relationships based on mutual respect.
Breaking Free: Strategies for Setting Healthy Boundaries
Drawing on both personal experience and my work as a mental health professional, I developed several strategies to overcome people-pleasing:
Self-Reflection: I started by identifying situations where I felt overextended or unappreciated. This honest self-assessment helped me understand how I was contributing to the pattern. Journaling has been key to bring my inner world onto paper and making sense of where I am at and where I want to be!
Embracing Discomfort: Saying “no” was initially uncomfortable and even guilt-inducing. I learned that this discomfort was a natural part of growth and a sign that I was beginning to prioritise my own well-being.
Clear Communication: I practised expressing my boundaries assertively yet kindly. By clearly articulating my needs without excessive justification, I gradually found that most relationships could accommodate a little more honesty.
Seeking Support: Engaging with a therapist was transformative. Professional guidance equipped me with tools to navigate the emotional challenges of setting boundaries and reinforced the importance of self-care.
How I Finally Stopped People-Pleasing
Breaking free from people-pleasing wasn’t easy, but these strategies helped me shift my mindset and behaviour:
Valuing Myself: I learned to see my worth as inherent, not reliant on what I could do for others.
Building Assertiveness: Starting with small, manageable situations, I gradually built the confidence to assert my needs.
Challenging Negative Thoughts: I actively questioned the irrational beliefs that made me fear setting boundaries, such as the notion that saying “no” would lead to rejection or conflict.
Reaffirming Mutual Respect: I realised that true relationships are based on mutual respect—not on self-sacrifice.
Professional Guidance: Therapy helped me work through deep-seated fears and establish healthier relationship patterns.
The Positive Impact of Boundaries
Once I began setting clear boundaries, the transformation was remarkable. I experienced reduced anxiety, increased self-esteem, and more authentic connections with others. By valuing my own needs, I created an environment where mutual respect could thrive—a foundation for truly healthy relationships.
When I started applying these strategies, I did notice that some of my friendships dwindled… perhaps my assertiveness and saying no became off-putting to others, but at the end of the day, the ones who mattered were the ones who were understanding of my actions. Surrounding yourself with those willing to support you even when you can’t always be there for them will help you discern the friendships worth keeping within your circle.
Final Thoughts
If you struggle with people-pleasing, know that you’re not alone, and you don’t have to remain stuck in this cycle. Setting boundaries isn’t about pushing people away; it’s about showing yourself the same respect and kindness you extend to others.
When I started prioritising my well-being, I didn’t lose relationships—I strengthened the ones that truly mattered. More importantly, I discovered a sense of peace and self-worth that no amount of external validation could ever replace.
Are you ready to start prioritising yourself? Let’s talk about it in the comments!
